What I’m Honoring Now (or Why I Didn’t Write My Dear Future Me Letter This Year)


if you change nothing by mobijo

Here I am, January 1st at 8:53pm, procrastinating.

Today has looked different from the New Years Days past, mostly because Luke & I spent the vast majority of the day driving home from the loveliest of visits with our friends & their kids, and by the time we got home we were wiped wiped wiped (yes, 3 wipes are entirely accurate and necessary). I gave myself time to sit on the couch, read the paper, watch Bob’s Burgers (which always solicits audible “Yay!”s from me….I need to pay attention to what else solicits audible “Yay!”s….), eat some delivery, and then….there it loomed…

…my Dear Future Me letter

My tradition. My sacred time. My….procrastination?

I answered emails. I went on Facebook. I read my blog comments. All the while asking myself why I was avoiding it.

The fact of the matter is: I don’t wanna face it. I think it’s gonna upset me, which seems ridiculous because if I wrote one for last year – a mere 6 weeks after being diagnosed with boob cancer, and going into what I knew would be, oh, just the worst year ever pretty much – what the heck is stopping me now? Luke and I joked around that 2013 is going to be a good year because the bar is set really low, and it’s funny because it’s true. But because I’m really quick now to not say “I’m done with my surgeries!” or “It’s all behind me!” – and because of some other, more personal stuff I’m not ready yet to talk about here – I don’t think 2013 is going to be “easy.”  I still feel the fighter in me, and she thinks she’s gonna still need to carry those gloves around with her wherever she goes.

Also? Staying true to my 2013 word, and being so, so committed this year in really and truly learning the lesson that busy does not equal successful, the thought of writing down all that happens to me in 2013 seems to play into that. I mean, even my 2012 By The Month post…I don’t want to have to see all my “accomplishments” or all I’ve went through to breathe easier and cut myself some slack. I mean, it’s ridiculous. I know I do enough, I know I am enough, I know I’ll get to where I yearn to be on a professional and monetary level…but in the intention to allow myself to be, the Dear Future Me letter seems to not be what I want to honor this year.

My birthday is January 14th and I’ll be in Jamaica on vacation then, and I have a feeling that the letter might come to me organically then, an intention, a playful exercise, the sacred space and time I’m used to it giving me. But until then, I’m holding off. It’s not where I’m at now or where I want to be, and I’ll no longer play into either of those things.

I’m feeling myself changing.




  1. says

    Yes. (sigh)

    (and ‘thank you/more please’ too.) (but only if the ‘more’ isn’t more *doing* but more *you-ing* …) xo

  2. Roz Duffy says

    Good for you for letting yourself just be. I hope that 2013 is filled with so much unexpected great stuff and that you have the time and space to enjoy & savor it all. Thank you for all that you contribute to the world!

  3. says

    Kudos to you for knowing what feels right and what doesn’t – and then honoring that. Can’t think of a better way to kick of 2013.

  4. says

    Your acknowledgement that even some of the traditions we set for ourselves, or even the expectations we put (pile!) on ourselves, can change and not serve us at all times make ME say “Yay!” As much as we set goals and tasks and future accomplishments, it’s our own damn perogative to NOT do them too :) Love you for following your instinct to not do your letter this year. It may come about in another form, or it may not. And that is just fine and dandy :)

    • michelle says

      Yes yes yes! Glad that came through…I swear I’m always so wordy that I’m relieved when someone can articulate so succinctly what I was trying to say. {whew!}

  5. says

    Ooh, Isn’t it a GREAT feeling when we don’t do what we thought were were going to do…

    NOT because we feel guilty, or because we feel like we “should”… but because of this overwhelming warm and comfy feeling that is more about doing what works for us.. when it works for us, in the time and space that feels good.

    The moment when we realize we don’t have to keep treading water, that we have the know how inside us all along, to float instead.

    I LOVE that feeling. Bravo to you. Yay!

    • michelle says

      Yes yes yes! I felt this comfort, this warmth, this under-a-blanket feeling when I asked myself what I needed that day. That‘s the feeling I want to keep close, keep seeking, keep listening to. Yes.

  6. Kelsey Jordan says

    Thankyou for this post. My kidney failed 2 years ago,, and I haven’t worked since August, since ive been put on dialysis. It really sucks.
    I’m in 2 minds going back to work- a very demanding job. I feel guilty not working, and also not feeling hat I’m learning the life lesson that is in all this.
    Anka for your comments. Giving me a new perspective.

    • michelle says

      Glad I can offer that reframe, although sorry to hear about your dialysis, Kelsey. I know how hard it is to be forced to sit back and be put through hell and just *take care*…but it is a necessary lesson. A begrudging one, but still…:)

  7. Addie says

    I am “Yaying!” for you right now! I am so thankful that you can share your process openly because it helps us to acknowledge that even those who are doing what they love and being successful at it are still growing, changing, reworking, as time and life moves in ways we can never predict. Enjoy your birthday vacation!!

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